Politically Correct 1 -- Let's Get Physical 5 -- My Final Answer Is ... Go Back to Your Spaceship, Regis 8 -- Rubber-Band Man 11 -- From Now On, Let Women Kill Their Own Spiders 14 -- Here's Mud in Your Eye 17 -- Eye of the Beholder 20 -- Fore! 23 -- Fore! II 27 -- Another Road Hog with Too Much Oink 30 -- Bon Appetit 33 -- Road Warrior 36 -- Weird Science 39 -- Tool Man 42 -- Toilet Police 46 -- Smuggler's Blues 49 -- Head to Head 53 -- Gone to the Dogs 56 -- Nose Knows 59 -- Missing in Action 62 -- Why Abe Was a Geek 65 -- Rock of Ages 68 -- Mr. Language Person on Nitches, Yores, and Defective Sea Lions 72 -- Caught Between a Czech and a Slovakia 75 -- Parlez-Vous Francais? 78 -- An Aesthetically Challenged American in Paris (Part II) 81 -- A Blatant Case of Slanted Journalism 84 -- Prison Is Deductible 87 -- How to Handle the IRS 91 -- Coffee, Tea, or Dried Wood Chips? 94 -- Betting on the Ponies 97 -- My Son's College Apartment Has a Pleasant Pepperoni Motif 100 -- Gulf Between Father and Son Is Called "Quantum Physics" 103 -- "Day Trading for Dummies," Including Nap Times, Bankruptcy Laws 106 -- Stay Tuned to FearPlex, for More Panic All Day, Every Day 110 -- Wait for the Tub Is Forever Since the Frogs Moved In 113 -- A Titanic Splash (Again) 116 -- Blair Witch Mystery Solved: The Seal Did It 120 -- A Rolling Stone 123 -- Decaf Poopacino 126 -- Good for What Ails You 129 -- A Critic, a Crocodile, and a Kubrick--Voila! 132 -- Grammar: De Letter of De Law 135 -- Unfriendly Skies 139 -- Sky Is Falling 142 -- Pine Sap Transfusions Could Save Your Christmas Tree's Life 146 -- Don't Eat the Muskrats or the Poinsettia au Gratin 149 -- Everything I Know About Dieting I Learned on Leeza 152 -- Banzai Chef 156 -- Turkey Day 159 -- Independence Day 162 -- High-Fivin', Bosom-Ogling Soccer Lizard Must Die! 165 -- Build Yourself a Killer Bod with Killer Bees 168 -- High-Tech Twinkie Wars Will Be No Picnic 171 -- Be an Internet Millionaire, and We May Like You 174 -- This Real Man Can Drive Any Truck Named Tonka 177 -- Wrestling's First Rule: Cover Your "Masculine Region" 180 -- You Don't Wanna Know What's Under His Hood 183 -- Boob Tube 186 -- And Don't Forget ... Tassels for All the Generals 189 -- A Watchdog Never Drops His Guard--Except for Dessert 193 -- Nuke the Stalker Sparrow That Fowled Fabio 196 -- Batman to the Rescue 199 -- Fountain of Youth 202 -- He Would Flee Bosoms, But His Car Is Booted 205 -- Birth of Wail 208 -- Survival of Mankind Rides on the Successful Pickup Line 211 -- Baby Hormones Have Taken Over My Wife, and All I Can Say Is "Waaah!" 214 -- Today's Baby Showers Require an Ark to Haul Home the Loot 217 -- Labor Dispute 220 -- Voyage of the Stuffed 223 -- My Workday: Nap, Toenail Inspection, Nap, Underwear Check, Nap 226.
